November-December 2009

I’ve always seen myself as a pretty good father to my three children. I also believe that, for the most part, they appreciated what their mother and I were telling them about making the right choices and accepting the responsibility for those choices and to hold themselves accountable. However, I often remember the story Tom Sawyer, in the book Huckleberry Finn, told about his father. “When I was fourteen years old,” he says, “I knew my father was as a dumb as a mud fence. When I turned twenty-one, it was amazing how smart my father became in just seven years.”

The way parents, coaches and leaders can instill a can-do attitude in their children, players and employees — and the way youngsters are encouraged to participate in sports or some other extracurricular activity — can often mean the difference between success and failure, both early and later in life.

For the past 30 years, I’ve had the opportunity to speak at a number of grade schools, middle schools and high schools. One thing that struck me more than any other is the youngsters who seem lost. They demonstrate this to me through their dress, attitude, words or all three. On further examination, I discovered that most of them have little or no parental involvement, aren’t involved in anything constructive; and the only feedback they receive is from their “peer group.”

I have also experienced this type of environment at a few organizations where I worked and from people who shared their “horror stories” about a dominating, uncaring and egocentric boss — a phony — and a workplace culture that was stifling and where creativity was seen as a four-letter word.

KEY THOUGHTS FOR THIS MONTH

"Go to your bosom, knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.” — William Shakespeare, playwright

"Many ideas grow better when transplanted into another mind than in the one where they sprang up.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr., Supreme Court Justice

“Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren’t used to an environment where excellence is expected.” — Steve Jobs, Apple co-founder

“One man has enthusiasm for 30 minutes, another for 30 days, but it is the man who has it for 30 years who makes a success of his life.” — Edward Butler, discount-store entrepreneur

“To be persuasive, we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible, we must be truthful. — Edward R. Murrow, journalist

“If you don’t work hard today, you will never see the sunshine.” — Jack Ma, Alibaba.com founder

Situations like this often occur when parents, coaches and leaders set unrealistic goals and expectations, which simply frustrate their children, players and employees. Perhaps you recall the story several years ago about the father who shot a Little League umpire because the father thought the umpire was “unfair to his kid.” Now granted, this is an extreme example, but unfortunately things like this do happen. This is Little League’s version of road rage, I guess.

“Setting achievable goals and gradually raising the bar of expectations can help promote positive growth in employees and young people and develop a pattern for future success,” Shari Young Kuchenbecker wrote in her book, Raising Winners: A Parent’s Guide to helping Kids Succeed On and Off the Playing Field.

I was always actively involved in athletics and believe that is one of the reasons I am alive today. Athletics taught me how to develop a can-do attitude and to never quit and give up, regardless of the score. I know many successful people who adopted this attitude early in their lives, too.

If parents, coaches and leaders and those people involved with children in other extracurricular activities approach it correctly, they can teach and model to their children, players, and employees valuable lessons about life — from dealing with defeat to becoming an effective team player. The lessons are valid for the home, school and the workplace.

A key role parents, coaches and leaders can and should play in building and enhancing self-confidence is to encourage their children, players and employees to build on their existing competencies and to try new things. Encourage them to learn and discipline themselves not to spend so much time and mental energy worrying about failing. Rather, with the proper planning and realistic and achievable goals, teach them…model to them…that the only real failure in life is not trying.

Find out what your children, players and employees would like to do — their true passion(s), and encourage them to try it. Teach and show them how to learn from their success and how to think and respond when things don’t go quite according to plan. A child, player and employee with positive experiences that enhance their self-worth not only build their self-esteem, but also will encourage them take on new challenges, embrace new opportunities and then forge ahead. This process — a strategy — takes on a life of its own and success builds success. Then, the child, player or employee raises the bar of expectations gradually higher and higher, most often themselves. The result is a pervasive can-do attitude that becomes a way of life and affects almost everyone around them.

So, one of the first steps is to establish realistic goals and expectations and communicate them often to your children, players and employees. When a goal and expectation is reached or surpassed, reward them in a manner that befits the goal. A simple pat on the back and offering your congratulations is often reward enough; a “thank you” works well, too. Hugs are especially good for children with an added bonus — a BIG smile, hug and “I love you!”

When you establish the goals and expectations in concert with your child, player or employee, make sure they understand that what you are doing is for their benefit, not yours.

Enhancing a person’s self-esteem and confidence comes from 1) adversity; falling down, picking themselves up and pressing on; 2) learning from their successes and 3) surrounding themselves with people who want them to succeed, not fail. Building self-confidence and self-esteem is learned and earned in the classroom of life; it is not learned in a book.

“Captain George” J. Burk, USAF (Ret.), plane crash and burn survivor, motivational speaker, author & writer. www.georgeburk.com, PO Box 6392, Scottsdale, AZ 85261-6392, phone: 800-769-8568; cell phone: 480-212-6392